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i'm so scared right now. i've stacked up so many bad decisions and question if i have the strength left to clean up the mess. panic attacks are my life now. i live in a constant state of panic and fear because i'm so afraid of staying with you, but i'm also afraid of losing you. i'm afraid of the debt i've piled up and the commitments i've made. i'm scared i'm going to lose my job because i'm so panicked all the time that it's hard to face up to going to work. here i am again, just days before what's supposed to be a fun trip for us, certain that i've brought it all crashing down.

i feel like i've failed you, that i should be able to just be strong and do whatever it takes to keep us together because i love you so much. i don't know how to make you understand that this isn't because you're sick. i started this off for the wrong reasons ("this" being living with you). i wanted to move in with you because i was afraid you wouldn't want to keep up our relationship as it was. it was great for me because there was just enough distance that i still felt free, and that was combined with the trust that we grew into, that we only had eyes for each other and that was that, even when left unsaid.

but an irrational fear came over me one day, an insecurity that i hadn't experienced in a long time. i realized that i was afraid to lose you and thought i could make that go away if i really affirmed my commitment to you by taking it to the next level and asking that we live together and really be partners in life.

i noticed after a short time that we had different priorities when it came to keeping house. i figured that we would each give a little and compromise could be found, and it didn't really matter that much since it felt so good to be wrapped in your arms and know that i could always rely on that. i had lots of energy and didn't mind cooking and cleaning anyway.

i had just finished school and started a new job in a field where i thought i would find acceptance when it came to my appearance and personality. this turned out to be completely wrong and working in the beauty industry actually shattered my confidence in myself and my ability to do things well. my first job really made me question my competence. i was really proud of myself for sticking with school and not running away and quitting, only to find that once i graduated i had learned nothing and was really terrible at my chosen position. so this is probably where the old me started to die and fear and doubt started to take over.

i had never really had to deal with fear and anxiety at this level before, and i was starting to realize that you were dealing with a larger amount of fear and anxiety than i was.

when we moved into sierra ridge, i was starting to realize how much time i had wasted buying band shirts and going to concerts and believing that this would make me into a musician. i overshifted my priorities to studying, which changed the dynamic of our existence together. before we spent all of our time in each other's arms; during this period i needed to spend much more time in my head and that was a shock to you. we fought about it and i felt like i couldn't get you to understand me. this was also a time when i realized that we were living far outside of our means and was the start of my incessant worry about money.

aside from that we still had a good relationship and i recognized that. we had a good time together and with our friends, tried lots of different foods and gained some weight, and were overall pretty happy.

my insomnia started to get worse at sierra ridge. i got a new job that was supposed to teach me more about my trade and help me build clientele. it did, a little, but what i remember the most about that job was the realization that clients and owners in the salon industry don't much care for men with feminine characteristics. i felt rejected and ostracized every day and this really wore away at my already waning confidence. the nail that stuck out was getting hammered in, and i really started to feel apathetic about my appearance. makeup and nails were no longer fun for me at this point.

this is about the time where i started to have the cyclical thoughts. the first one that really wouldn't leave me alone was "what are you doing? you need to study, you need to be something, be somebody, and your relationship and living situation isn't helping. sell everything and leave, start over."

but then i would look at you and think about how much i love you, and how much you love me, and think that i couldn't do that to you. even if it made me a little unhappy, i would keep my thoughts to myself and keep the peace with you as best i could.

i felt like with all of the crap you were going through with your jobs, crazy supervisors, anxiety, fear, and all the trauma that you experienced up until we moved in together, the last thing you needed was for me to tell you how hard it was getting for me, or to ask for help when i felt overwhelmed. when i did, you would often cry or scream at me which made me even more afraid.

so i just kept it in and hoped things would get better, until one day i broke.

speaking of break, you just shut my door on your way out and the corn goddess fell off my altar and broke.

fucking symbolism.
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why am i crying? why am i shaking?

i'm crying for loss, for shame and pain.
for jealousy, bitterness and fear.
for stupidity, honesty, ambition and distraction.
for age and experience, and how little it prepared me.
for thinking i could ever bear a life without you.
for beauty and love and fear of the unknown.
for the part of me that died.

i'm too tired to be angry at myself. i feel like a fool for hanging on to the same dream that put me into a dead end and nearly killed me. i'm so afraid, not just of being alone, but of being without the only real love i've known. i'm ashamed at the prideful and arrogant way i kept it at arm's length for so long, and how afraid i am of ruining it.

all of my confidence and faith is lost. i don't know how to mend this and regain strength. this has shown me that i was never strong to begin with, just extremely stubborn and good at keeping quiet.

now that i need your love and comfort more than ever, it is withdrawn to a safe distance, finally stepping back from my insistent push away. and that makes me realize that i can't stand up without that support. i've fallen over without it and it hurts very, very badly.

you saved me from my dead end, from living and dying alone. my only hope right now is that what i have left to offer you is enough to deserve and keep your love.

i need you so much right now. i hope so much that you can forgive me, and that i can feel worthy of your love and forgiveness.

Current Location: alone
Current Mood: awful
Current Music: cecile corbel - corpus christi carol

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today i had a dream that i met a bondage nun/french maid in an airport. upon first talking to her i knew that i remembered her but it took me a while to remember her name. "wait... i know... rhonda, right? we were in the SCA together?" "yeah! nice to see you... again."

totally wierd. one of the strangest things about the dream was how i felt like i knew her from real life, and not just my dreamscape where people and places recur all the time. another strange thing was that in addition to feeling like i knew her from reality as well as the dreamworld, i had a strange vision of remembering her being very loose. not like, promiscuous, but as in having a large vaginal opening. part of our past relationship was apparently fiery, passionate sexual proclivity.

why was this important? i still dont understand. the dream stuck with me even as i woke up to go to the bathroom. i began to realize that she wasnt real, but i still felt like i knew her, she felt close, like i could pick up the phone and ask her out for sushi or something.

my favorite part of the dream was her outfit. i'm pretty sure she was more nun than french maid, because she was with another nun. but her habit was trimmed in studded black leather, with submissive rings attached in various places, and the fabric was woodland camouflage. completely, obscenely hot outfit. i think i may make one for myself...

as i went back to bed, i started to have another dream. this one had me working in a restaurant that was inexplicably outdoors and in the woods, and i was serving and bussing tables. somehow, i came across a bunch of really good steaks, along with fries, toast, and, like, gravy or something. i decided that the best idea was to wrap all of this up so that i could take it home and eat it later, because it all looked really delicious. i managed to wrap up the toast and put it away, but when i came back for the steaks they were gone. i was totally bummed. next there was a sequence that is kind of vague... i was with some old guy and there was a truck and telephone poles at the edge of the woods.

anyway, then i went home, where i inexplicably resided in an apartment with sean hannity. sean was either gone or in his room, but when i got home i discovered the steaks in the refrigerator. sean hannity, my roommate, had stolen my steaks! my delicious steaks!

after i figured this out i started having a conversation with the old man, who was there for some reason, and a very handsome and well built blond guy who was sitting next to him and also had no real reason for being there. they were sitting in the foyer, right next to the door. i was looking at them from the kitchen. at some point the old man excused himself and left, and after a little bit of talking the blond guy gets up and grabs a hot, soapy towel out of the sink and starts to wash my back. i still had my shirt on, so i'm like "hey, what the hell are you doing? at least take my clothes off first." and then he takes me into the living room and starts to totally ravish me.

and then i woke up. and went to work.

so, i met a slutty bondage nun at an airport and had gay sex in sean hannity's living room. score!

(i should add here that i've never known anyone named rhonda. after analyzing this all day i think rhonda was an amalgam of most of the women i've been with in my life. and the guy... well, the guy was just hot.)


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Current Location: grease pit
Current Mood: calm sushi pus
Current Music: some guy droning on about gnosticsism

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but lo, i do.

things are wierd lately. i live in constant fear of something i cant define. i need to make changes that i am afraid to make.



Current Location: poonem's house
Current Mood: confused confused
Current Music: shinsangoku musou 5

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